Dusting Off the Cobwebs

I have been reflecting the last few months on what’s important, and how I want to use my voice online – I’ve taken many sabbaticals from the blog. I’ve been reevaluating what I want to do with my time here (on Earth). Fun!

I am finally working somewhere I am proud of, where I feel important and valued, and where I contribute to making people’s lives better rather than filling some asshole’s pocket. It’s my first non-profit job and hopefully the place I stay in forever (no kidding). I walked out of my last job, actually. I had a coworker who was emotionally dysregulated – screamed in people’s faces, bullied my colleagues, and was generally an unpleasant presence to be around. The owners made it clear that in order to work there, I’d need to put up with abuse so I packed my stuff and walked out. After being screamed at one fateful day, I took a leap of faith on myself. My biggest one yet. No plans! No job! It was terrifying! But, I’ll be honest, I’ve never been prouder of myself. I landed many interviews in my two weeks of unemployment, but my current position was the one I was most excited for – my number one pick. Now I work with the most incredible team – they are all smart in different ways, communicate their needs, and are happy to help. My supervisor is the nicest person I’ve ever met – totally fit to lead and sees the best in everyone. It feels like my hard work is paying off, more and more each day.

Reevaluating my relationships has been a process. I didn’t have many friends growing up – I was always trying to be popular and liked. I was a quiet, empathetic kid with some behavioral issues. I am not sure that I was seeking these relationships for the right reasons. I was seeking validation. When I got to college, I was, what’s the word? A bitch. Haha. A total bitch. Hardened by years of being rejected by my peers, I was a big, walking boundary. I am sure it was entertaining when I was on your side but if I wasn’t? Woof. These walls came down when I met many of my lovely friends, but my biggest cheerleader and the person who really changed me is my husband. When we started talking, we talked about the masks we put on for other people. While mine was self-serious and mean, his was being a jokester to not let anyone too close. He melted my heart and made me feel safe to be myself. And I think I said to him, “you don’t have to do that Chandler Bing shit” so he didn’t downplay or joke about his own emotions, HA. Ever since, we’ve been navigating what it means to be kind and to find the joy in the tiniest things but to also form those healthy boundaries without going back to our old ways. You see, when the walls came down, they didn’t go back up. I was like an open wound for the world. I think that’s been my problem all along. I made the friends that I so desperately wanted and then I lost myself in what I could do for other people. I thought my only value was what I could bring by giving all to the world and none to myself. How to solve this? Well, I’m taking time for me and my husband – we’re walking, reading in bed, watching Saturday morning cartoons, turning off our phones, setting aside weekends for us to do things around the apartment and just SPENDING TIME – the kind of things I’d put on the back burner before when the option to fill up my calendar arose. I am learning that time for myself is busy time. It also means having the courage to end relationships that are bad for me – seeing toxic patterns in people and ending my association. I am learning that no matter how much I give, it may not be enough to help someone, and that’s not my job. My only job is to be the best friend, partner, sister, daughter, colleague that I can and to know when it’s out of my hands or over my capacity. I am also learning that you can outgrow people – that doesn’t mean you have to hate them but it does mean that you don’t need to stick around to see them change (if they do at all). It’s not a personal failing to walk away from a friendship that drains you.

I am evaluating my coping mechanisms – alcohol was a big one for me over the pandemic onwards. When stress arose, my boy Josh was there. It started with a couple glasses and then changed to a bottle on a weeknight. And let me tell you – working at a brewery normalized the hell out of it. Navigating alcohol is touchy. The way I see it, right now, I am doing a detox because: one, I want to rewire how my brain deals with stress now that I am happier, two, alcohol adds up on your wallet, and three, I want to take better care of my body. I’ve been putting myself through the ringer and it shows on my waistline. I felt so puffy, man. It’s funny, our society is so obsessed with drinking that even the mention of wanting to deconstruct my relationship with it, makes people look at me differently. My drinking was never at the point where I was ruining my relationships or my ability to function, but the simple declaration that I am cognizant of it makes people act differently. Like, hey people, maybe let’s not call me an alcoholic as a joke when you were never worried about me before I said something? Thanks. It feels like being punished for self-reflection and betterment. I’ll never regret opening up about this because I know a lot of people can relate to it, but I also don’t want to feel like a failure if I form better coping mechanisms and also drink in the future to have some fun.

Overall, I’m doing really well right now! Some other things: I’ve been thrifting a lot! Me and Henry have found our home aesthetic – we’re doing a lot of work like painting! You’d be shocked just how nice it feels to paint your walls a color other than white or gray. It makes you feel less transient. You’re saying to the universe – I’m doing something that’s a bit annoying to undo because I’m staying awhile. Henry painted our office bright yellow! It looks incredible. In the past year, I really feel like I’ve honed my personal style. I love getting dressed in the morning and trying out new combinations with the pieces of my wardrobe. We’re also decluttering the purchases of the past – leaving behind what doesn’t spark joy. We’re going to the gym or doing at-home exercises! I am learning to run more (I hate it actually). I am thinking about getting into doing more dances in the comfort of my own home where no one can perceive me. I am obsessed with Marvel Rivals. The game is now a part of my daily routine. Part of what draws me to it so much is that I have never been much of a team shooter kind of person. I have never been much a multiplayer person at all. When I started playing a few months ago, I was a total novice. Like, everyone I played with was so much better than me. But over time, I’ve seen myself grow and that skill gap close and shift. I’ve gotten good enough with Cloak and Dagger that my support is key to winning many of the fights that I’m in. BUT I don’t want to play competitive because I get heated and my feelies get hurt. And really, this is where it comes full circle for me in a weird way, I’m learning to use my energy to support in the game but also in my life. I am using the game as a healthier coping strategy when I feel stressed, and it’s a good way to hang out with my friends and husband for a few hours while still leaving some time for myself.

Anyways, that’s all for now. I’m off to play Delta Rune – maybe dust off the cobwebs and write a follow up essay to the one I wrote literal years ago. But I guess I should be kinder to myself, right? I’m giving Toby Fox all the grace in the world to do his thing – I need to do the same to myself for taking so long to get back here. Adios – until next time.